The Gold Digger
Don’t blame the girl if you asked for it.
First, a reminder. The Playbook’s approach is not for the guy looking for the “quick fix.” Not that there is anything wrong with a quick fix. Believe me I get it. There are a lot of well-to-do sugar daddies out there with plenty more money than time. They often don’t have the necessary hours nor desire for love. What they do enjoy are beautiful—often younger—women in their life. For many men, being the sugar daddy to a sexy, young, arm candy type is the perfect solution. He can come and go as he pleases, call all the shots, and end it when he grows bored or the next young hottie comes along.
The woman in that kind of pairing has no real heartfelt vested interest in a relationship. She’s not in love but she is content to be his arm candy, enjoy fine dining, expensive gifts, and vacations. For her, this is a win-win practical decision. For him, it’s a win-win matter of convenience. It’s a match made in heaven, right?
If that sounds like you, stop reading!
On the other hand, let’s assume you are reading this book because you’ve been used and financially abused—perhaps more than once—and are sick and tired it. You want to find a woman that loves you for you, not just your money, which is a much harder task for the well-to-do man.
Read on and take notes! This chapter could make that happen for you.
Let’s begin by defining the two basic types of “Gold Diggers”:
1. Short-term “Gold Diggers” (STG)
2. Long-term “Gold Diggers” (LTG)
The Short-Term Gold Digger (STG)
The short term “gold-digger” is relatively easy to spot. She is usually pretty obvious—even outspoken—about her intentions, goals, and demands.
Avoiding her is equally easy: stop paying!
The STG is a lot like “the player” who’s just looking for sex. If a player doesn’t get what he wants fairly quickly, he’s moving on, right? The STG is much the same. If she doesn’t get showered with gifts, taken to nice places, and treated like a queen, she’s moving on.
Seems pretty basic right? So why the hell do so many well-to-do, otherwise intelligent, successful men get taken in by this beguiling, highly skilled operative?
Two words: MALE EGO
The male ego is a powerful aphrodisiac. It can turn the mind of even the most educated man into mush. The male ego will convince an otherwise rational man to actually believe a young, hot, damsel in distress with silicone breasts, who is BTW completely out of his league, is truly hot for him. The STG knows this and will exploit this weakness to her advantage.
How do STG’s operate?
What men need to understand about the STG is she has a clear agenda. She targets a certain type of man and she feels completely justified in her actions.
Date wealthy men that will spoil her financially.
A man who:
flashes his money around
brags about himself and his accomplishments
is highly driven by his EGO, so is easily manipulated
is desperate for affection
Men use her for her looks and sex, so why shouldn’t she get something in return?
What’s love got to do with it?
Tell him everything he needs to hear.
Be impressed by his every word.
Tease him into a sexual frenzy so he can’t think logically.
Be the perfect arm candy.
Watch for the Warning Signs
(You Can’t Blame the Girl If You Asked For It)
The Gold Digger’s entire strategy revolves around playing to your huge male ego. Gentlemen, this woman is so easy to spot and so easy to avoid that it makes no sense to blame the “gold digger” if you fall victim. There are no victims, only two willing participants.
Consider the story of “Bob.” Divorced ten years, two failed marriages, beyond middle-aged, balding, out of shape, MIT graduate, successful computer engineer, Bob owned a successful software company and made a lot of money. Everyone knew it. Why? Because Bob lived a lavish lifestyle. He drove an expensive car, lived in an exclusive community, dressed in the latest fashion, sported an assortment of expensive watches and designer eyewear. . . plus he always picked up the tab for any pretty young thing that looked his way.
At age fifty Bob lacked his former youth and good looks. He also lacked a charming personality. Actually, he was pretty dull. He learned to rely strongly on his résumé and freewheeling spending to lure women. Most of his first date conversations revolved around his education from MIT, his successful career, his expensive home, multiple cars, boats, and exotic vacations etc.
In truth, Bob had a lot going for him besides his money. He was smart, hardworking, generous, loving, and faithful. Most important, Bob was consumed with the desire to find Ms. Right, fall in love, and settle down. Sadly after ten years of trying and countless three-to-six month relationships Bob remained single and unloved. Worst of all, Bob developed a distinct pattern of attracting women who were only after him for his money. In turn he grew bitter and distrusting of all women.
“All women are gold diggers! They use me, so why shouldn’t I use them?”
Dear Used and Abused,
First of all I can guarantee you that not ALL women are gold diggers. At the same time, I would never argue that they don’t exist. I assume by your tone that a “Gold digger,” (maybe several) has taken advantage of your generosity? Let me guess, is this is a pattern in your life? It’s possible you are giving off signals that attract a certain “type.”
You’d be surprised to hear that the gold diggers I’ve met often share your exact same self-fulfilling attitude: “They are just using me, so why shouldn’t I get a little something in return?”
“So how do I tell if it’s me or my money she’s after? The women I’ve dated all acted as if they really loved me. I treated them with respect, showered them with affection, and the sex was great. Then all of a sudden… without cause they dumped me for some unclear reason.”
Dear Used and Abused,
In a nutshell, if you go fishing with your AmEx Gold Card, don’t be surprised if all you catch are gold diggers. What do you expect to catch? If you really want to attract a woman that will love you for you and not your money, then keep your financial success on the down-low.
If you seek to impress women by bragging about yourself, your resume, your bank account, and all that you’ve accomplished, what do you expect to attract? If you monolog when you should dialog, you open the door to female manipulation.
A Short-Term Gold Digger is so effortless to spot it’s almost embarrassing to my gender. It’s real simple:
This woman never offers to pay!
I mean never.
When a woman really likes a guy she will try to return a kind gesture in some way. She may not be able to afford an expensive dinner out but she might offer to cook for you, cover the tip, or at least spring for an ice cream cone dessert.
If a girl really likes a guy she will want to do nice things for him.
But a STG… not likely!
The STG will insist you take her out. She’ll never offer to pay for any part of a date. Not even a round of drinks. She’ll come right out and ask to be taken to the finest places in town or demand you buy tickets to this or that. If you suggest pizza and beer, she’ll likely decline the date. Often she won’t even carry a purse or money on a date. She fully expects you to pick up the tab and if you don’t. . . see ya.
The STG will come right out and ask for stuff.
These women are not shy. If they want steak and lobster for dinner they just ask for it. In fact they often order the most expensive thing on the menu just to test you.
A Short-Term Gold Digger I know confessed to having a three-date rule about sex. She liked to go window-shopping on a third date. The goal: see what she can get him to buy her. If they left the mall with nothing, there’d be no sex and no fourth date. If they left the mall with something small she’d tease him sexually but not go all the way. If he spoiled her. . . well, let’s just say he’d get his money’s worth.
Bottom line here is simple really:
Stop paying and the STG will go away fast.
If you’re still unsure, there is a fast and easy way to fish out the STG in five dates or less.
First date: suggest a no cost or low cost date. Try a walk in the park, ice cream and coffee, or a free concert. If she declines or suggests meeting you at the most expensive bar in town for drinks this is a clear red flag. She is likely to refuse the date and even call you out for being a cheapskate.
If she passes the first date test. . . .
Second date: suggest a Saturday or Sunday matinee. Tell her you want to stop by the local 99 cents store to buy candy to save money. A STG is almost certain to show her true colors now. These women do not like it when men try to scrimp on a date. If she’s not shocked and appalled at this point you may be safe.
Third and fourth date: keep it simple yet not boring. Think of something fun. Be creative. Suggest something that requires the two of you to spend quality time talking, laughing and getting to know each other’s story. A STG won’t want to get into her personal details and she doesn’t really care about yours. If you’re not doing something that involves spending money she will resist and bore easily.
Count your blessings. In many ways this woman is a godsend. A STG is so transparent that even a blind man could spot her. Any man that finds himself caught in the snare of a STG has only their male ego to blame.
You got what you paid for. If you thought you were getting anything more you weren’t paying attention.
The Long-Term “Gold Digger” (LTG)
Women have been marrying for money since the beginning of time. Even in today’s age of women’s lib, some women still see marriage as a means to an end. Unlike the STG, the LTG is in it for the long-range goals. If the LTG sees potential for long-term financial success in a man, she may escape suspicion by seeming to go along with the budget conscious wealthy man. This woman can be devastating not only to your heart, but also to your mind, as she devours your checkbook.
I married my first wife after graduate school. She was a beautiful, barely legal cocktail waitress at the local pub near my office. We didn’t have much in common other than sex and eventually she became pregnant and we married after only three months of screwing. Things went well for the first couple of years. I worked; she stayed home with the baby. As I climbed the corporate ladder we were able to afford a nice home, nice cars, vacations, fine wine and a weekly expensive date night. To me it was a good life.
Then after five years, she kicked me out. She said something about growing apart. She got the house, car, half my 401K, a healthy alimony and child support settlement. I got every other weekend. Ouch.
After five years recovering, I met and fell in love with my second wife. She was twenty-nine, full of life, beautiful, sexy, and totally into me. . . or so I thought. It took only six months for her to convince me to give marriage another try. It was about the time I started my own company. She was so supportive. I spent long hours at the office, but she didn’t seem to mind. Within two years we had two kids, a nice home, cars, a recovered bank balance and my ex was now remarried so I was relieved of alimony. I thought things were fine. That is until I came home from work early one day to find her in bed with some twenty-five-year-old punk. She left me for him. They now live in the home I bought. She is supporting him through school with the money I pay her for alimony and child support. Double ouch!
I met my third wife at the age of forty-seven. She was thirty-three but really mature for her age. She was a single mother of two small boys that I grew to love like my own children. She even had a job. Not a great job, but a job at least, which I admired. After just six months of dating I was convinced that I’d finally found the girl of my dreams. We married and had a child together. By now my career was in full swing. I could afford to give her and our combined children a lifestyle she’d never experienced. Not only was she a good mother, she was also extremely focused on our combined financial success. I put her through business school. After graduating she started a small catering business. She worked very hard and put all her money in stocks and bonds for the future. We lived primarily off my income. After seven years of what I felt was a good marriage she took her money, half of my money, the house, car and furniture and left.
So now here I sit at fifty-two. I’ve loved three women with all my heart, gave them everything they asked for, and I’m left single. I pay the mortgage on three beautiful homes, yet I live in a rented furnished apartment. I make good money but it’s all spent on child support, mortgage payments, alimony and college tuition. I have one kid in diapers, two pre-teens, one in high school and one in college. All of which I still support. Who’d want me now? I can’t even afford to take a girl out once in a while, let alone date.
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Sounds to me like you are the victim of three “long term gold diggers,” my friend. They seek out men they see as a way up and out of their current financial situation. The kind of man who can provide homes, cars, nice clothing, furniture and a stable financial future for themselves and any children that may come along.
Unlike the STG, whose only goal is short-term gratification, this type of gold digger is much harder to identify and a great deal more devastating. She has her eye on the long-term investment. This woman doesn’t just date for money; she marries for money.
How do LTG’s operate?
Here’s what you need to understand about the LTG. She has a completely different agenda, target, and strategy. Love has little to do with whom she chooses to marry. Marriage is a financial decision. She too targets a certain type of man and she feels completely justified in her actions.
Find a man with the right education to ensure a bright career plan
Find a man with family money or wealthy family support and backing
Find a man already on the path to a huge career
Find a man with a strong portfolio/retirement plan already in place
Marry him, have a kid and set herself and her children up financially
Soon to be or already wealthy men
Wealthy men with strong family values that she can manipulate when needed
Wealthy men who are desperate for affection
Many women come from a long line of women who marry for money. They think it’s the norm.
The female biological clock
Already has small kids and needs a baby daddy for financial support
Be the driving force behind his career
Be the perfect girlfriend (supportive and encouraging)
Unprotected sex that leads to an unplanned pregnancy
Be a stay at home mom. Make his career her career.
Quickly build a nest egg
So how in the heck can a guy tell if a woman is marrying him for love or money?
Watch for the Warning Signs
If you are a wealthy and successful single man you have to date smart if you want to find true love. You need to take extra measures to protect your heart and assets until you are sure. Here are some obvious red flags:
When you meet are you overwhelmed with the feeling that she was way out of your league?
If it seems too good to be true, it’s a safe bet to question her motives. I’m just saying…
Is she more than fifteen years younger than you?
Nine times out of ten, May/December romance is a fairy tale. Get real. Take a long hard naked look in the mirror. Is she still going to be there when you’re fifty and she’s thirty-five? Do you think? Really?
Women who marry for money understand that they may have to make sacrifices in the bedroom. For most, sex is a wifely duty and tool to get what they want.
Is she looking for a “baby daddy”?
I hear it all the time. “The first time I married for love. The second time I’ll marry for money.” A young unwed mother may resort to becoming an LTG out of financial need. She may now have an entirely different set of standards when shopping for a husband then a blushing young bride. A single unwed LTG mother would focus on finding a strong father figure who would also be a strong provider. She’ll seek out a man that will marry her and support her and her kids.
The Sudden Emergency
If the long-term gold digger feels you are a good candidate for marriage, yet she can’t quite get the ball rolling down the marriage aisle, she may resort to an array of sudden emergencies that will speed up the pace of the relationship. Beware of a sudden job loss or a “my roommate is moving out, I can’t afford to live alone” emergency. Any urgency involving a roommate or her current living situations should be suspect. Playing to your male ego would be the “ex-boyfriend is stalking her and she’s afraid to live alone” card. And if none of those work. . .
The unplanned pregnancy emergency!
There, I said it. Just thinking about it makes men cradle their package for safety. The unplanned pregnancy is probably the single man’s greatest fear. And it remains the oldest trick in the book for women who wish to trap men into marriage. Once a woman knows a man is in love with her, she also knows if he is likely to “do the right thing” should she become pregnant.
Watch out for “what if” questions like:
“What would you do if we accidentally did get pregnant?”
Translation: “I’m already pregnant” or “I’ve been off the pill for two months.”
I know what you are thinking. OMFG!
I kid you not boys. The serious LTG will stop at nothing to get her man.
Does she ask questions about your finances?
Your radar should go up if she asks questions about the value of your home, stocks, bonds, etc. Does she come right out and ask how much money you make?
Under no circumstances would it be appropriate for a man to probe a woman about her financial holdings early in a relationship. It is equally inappropriate for a woman to ask about your finances early in a relationship. And by early I mean within the first three to six months. A woman can usually tell if a man is successful or wealthy just by being in relationship with him. But for a woman to probe into the details of just exactly how much money you have in your retirement account or the value of your home is wrong!
This is where the bragger often falls victim to the LTG. If you constantly brag about success, money, and your good life, you supply the LTG with everything she needs to know. You set yourself up to be a LTG target.
Does she use sex as a weapon or tool?
Sex is a gold diggers greatest weapon or tool, as she targets men in desperate need of affection. Wealth trumps nerdiness, physical flaws, old age, boring couch potatoes, and even sexual dysfunction.
If you find yourself begging for sex or “cut-off” if she doesn’t get what she wants, if she pouts until you give in, or vice versa, if she rewards you sexually when you do what she wants, she’s clearly training you like Pavlov’s dogs. Ring-ring goes the bell.
The LTG is much harder for the unsuspecting, kind-hearted, desperate, well-to-do man to spot. Unlike the STG, the LTG will play along with the low budget dating if she sees a long-term financially secure future. There are, however, some things you can do to protect yourself and unmask the true intentions of the LTG.
Rule #1: Be the one responsible for birth control.
You can’t fall victim to the un-planned pregnancy emergency if you take responsibility for your own procreation. The LTG will likely object to this preventive behavior and attempt to convince you that it is a “safe time of the month” or that she’s on the pill. BE SURE and until you are, take the necessary precautions. Wear a condom!
It’s also important that if you don’t want more kids, tell her. Better yet, get fixed. It’s your body and your choice.
“Jeffrey,” a newly divorced man, told me a story. He had a great job, surprisingly got the big house in the divorce, and was just starting to date. Now listen up and learn.
I just got dumped. I met an Italian girl about a month ago. She was thirteen years younger than me and absolutely gorgeous. We met at a bar and had a great time dancing and drinking. We dated for about a month. Between the divorce and the house payments I don’t have a bunch of money for dating but she was cool with that. She’d come by to leave a lasagna on my door step. She was flirty, attentive, affectionate, and totally into me. Or at least she seemed to be. I was thrilled beyond belief.
All my friends kept telling me she was a LTG, but I didn’t see it. She never really asked for much or complained when I had to work weekends. I guess I wanted to believe. Then one night after a nice dinner date, we were making out. It was getting pretty hot and she asked me about birth control. I told her I’d been fixed so we had nothing to worry about. Within an hour she was out the door, never to been seen or heard from again.
I think maybe my friends were right.
Dear Saved by the Blade,
Your vasectomy may have saved you years of heartbreak and a big financial mistake. I too suspect your friends were right. She was most likely a LTG and had you in her sights. The moment she found out you were fixed, it upset her entire strategy.
You are one of the lucky ones my friend. Count your blessings. And for Pete’s sake, date women closer to your own age next time.
Rule #2: Keep your personal finances to yourself.
It’s obvious that as you date she’s going to see your home, car, and lifestyle. Eventually you’ll begin to trust and take her out on nice dates. But under no circumstances should you volunteer financial information or answer any probing financial questions.
For a woman’s perspective, let’s eavesdrop into a candid conversation between girlfriends:
“So how’d your date go last night?”
“Well, the guy was a complete bore. We had nothing to talk about. But he did tell me he owned his home and made over $100k per year. He told me if I needed a place to live he’d support me until I got back on my feet—no strings attached. But I’m pretty sure he was desperate for sex. He’s not good-looking, but I think I could put up with him for a little while. We have a date Friday. He’s getting us tickets to that concert I wanted to go to.”
“Really? That’s nice.”
“Yeah. And all I had to do was ask. I’ll probably wear that new low-cut blouse and show him a little something before the night is over. It could be worth it in the end. I’ve done more for less. [LOL.]”
You never want that to be you they’re talking about, right?
Rule #3: Cover Your “Ass”-sets
If you have any amount of financial success, cover your “ass”-sets by insisting on a prenuptial. Tell the women you date that you’d never marry again without a prenuptial agreement. The LTG won’t like this one bit. She won’t marry you until you change your mind. This may be the deal breaker. She will argue that you don’t trust her or don’t love her. She’ll cry and pout and pull every sexual trick in the book. Don’t give in… if she loves you for you… a prenuptial agreement should never get in the way of a marriage proposal. If it does, don’t marry the girl.
Speaking of marriage, in this day and age, you don’t have to run right out and get married. Living together is a very smart choice for the well-to-do bachelor. The LTG will object to this living situation even for a short length of time. She wants that legal commitment. Don’t forget her agenda and strategy: marry quickly and have your kids.
What to take away:
You can’t blame the girl if you asked for it.
Don’t fall for the May/December fairytale
Shut-the-f-up about your finances
If it seems too good to be true or feels like it’s moving too fast. . . it most likely is