In previous chapters we’ve talked about how to spot and avoid the users, abusers, lairs and cheaters. By now any man reading this book should be able to successful navigate the single scene and find a good woman that will love them and be faithful to them. So what comes next?
Keeping her that’s what! In Part II I will discuss just that. How to keep the “romantic love” alive, how to know if she’s unhappy and last, suggestions on how to save it when you feel it falling apart. Good women are hard to find. When you do…. step-up! Always remember to be the man she fell in love with.
Top 10 Signs She’s Plotting To Dump Your Ass
Note from the author: This chapter is of special importance to me. I hear so many heart broken men that wish with all their hearts that they’d paid closer attention to their girlfriend/wife. Most of the single men I know are not happy being single. Most claim they didn’t see it coming until it was to late. This is such a common story and it just breaks my heart. It is my sincere hope that men will read this chapter before it’s too late to save their relationship.
One of the things I think most men don’t understand about women and break-ups is that women usually don’t just leave. Especially if it’s a long term romantic relationship. Women crave the feelings of oneness that come from being loved and loving. Rarely do women just wake-up one day and decide to leave. Women think about it, talk to their friends and family, set up her finances, perhaps her next boyfriends, gather allies. In the next paragraphs I am going to disclose some of the most frequent signs a women is unhappy and plotting her escape. This is likely the most important chapter in this book. If you’ve got a good woman in your life….. listen up!
Sign #1 – The fighting stop – Signs of depression; You hear phrases like “what ever”; “Nothings wrong really.”; “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Clinical Signs of Depression – Depressed mood for most of the day; disturbed appetite or weight changes; disturbed sleep; agitation; difficulty concentrating or completing normal tasks; loss of interest in all activities like hobbies, sex, friends, chores; fatigue; feeling of worthlessness; clouded thinking, morbid or suicidal thoughts.
“Boy, for awhile there things were really rough. I think we are past that rough spot though. We don’t fight as much as we use to…. I think she’s finally just accepted me for me.”
Dear Guess again,
To misunderstand her silence as acceptance would be a mistake. Just because she doesn’t hassle you anymore doesn’t mean she accepting the status quo. This could be the first sign she’s given up on you. I suggest you start talking and fast. I suggest you start courting her again. Take her out to a romantic dinner. Make her laugh again. Ask her if she is happy and listen to her answers very carefully. If you hear things like “it’s not you, it’s me” or worst of all “what ever”, your relationship is heading down hill. If you ignore this sign you may find yourself single again soon.
No mater how unhappy she may be, breaking up a long term romantic relationship is very hard for a woman to do. First she has to give up on the Cinderella dream of happily-ever-after. This is a heartbreaking reality for women. 2Nd only to death of a loved one, facing the end of romantic love is the saddest thing a woman will ever do. When she starts to realize she may have made a mistake choosing you, she’s going to be sad. That sadness or depression often manifests itself as anger but sometimes the signs are not so obvious. The silence may be a sign that she’s feeling hopeless and disconnected. She maybe feeling as if there is no hope. Naturally, she will be desperate to make it work at first. Often fighting is her way of screaming PAY ATTENTION TO ME! While this my feel like Chinese torture don’t just write it off as “her time of the month….again”. Don’t ignore it. If you love her and want to keep her, you are going to have to engage her, no matter how hard it may be. If she feels like you are listening it will calm her down. If she feels like you are really hearing her it will make her stop yelling and start talking. Is she sees you are responding and trying to do what ever it is she needs, she will know you still love her and she will likely stay vested in keeping the relationship alive. Short of that she’s on to sign #2.
TIP: There are two common phrases you don’t want to hear.“what-ever” or “nothing is wrong, it’s not you, it’s me”
If you hear that, you better turn off the TV and turn your attention to her. These phrases are a clear indication she has lost hope in talking it out with you. She’s giving up and just doesn’t want to fight about it anymore. She thinks you just don’t care or are incapable of changing so why bother. It’s a slippery slop from that point on. If you love her, wake-up and smell the break-up.
Sign #2 – She’s seeking the advice of others. She starts looking for help; Starts buying self-help/self-esteem books, blogs, web-sites; Joins a new church; Seeing a therapists alone
“Oh ya, I have that book. My X-gave it to me. Never read it though. She was always giving me those self-help books and tapes………maybe I should have read them? lol”
Ya think? Could you say that a little louder please?
As I mentioned above, a woman is not likely to walk away from a man she once loved or once loved her without a fight. She’s going to try anything and everything before she finally admits defeat. She is likely to start buying self-esteem/self-help books or magazines. She may start quoting Dr. Phil, Opra, Dr. Laura or her mother and best friends. “I saw on Opra the other day a couple that went to a relationship camp to improve their sex life. What do you think of that?”, “I was talking to my mom about our fight last week and she thinks we should get counseling”.
These are just a few examples of what you might hear when she’s in the beginning stages of plotting her escape. She hasn’t made any decisions to leave yet but she’s definitely thinking about it. At this point she’s starting to wondering if she can save it or even if it’s even worth saving. She’s gathering her moral justifications now. She wants to be able to say she tried.
If you don’t join her in her search for answers, she’s going to search alone. She’s going read to herself, share her feelings with everyone close to her BUT you. She’s likely to join a new church or support group. She may even start seeing that therapist alone. If this happens you’ve lost trust and intimacy.
For women, love requires trust. It is the cornerstone of her love for you. In the early stages of the relationship she saw in you a person she could trust with her heart, share her emotions, and keep her intimate feelings and secrets with. If she’s seeking the help of others and leaving you out, she’s lost trust in you. This is bad… very, very bad. YOU should be the one she comes to when she needs someone to talk to. YOU should be her confidant, best friend, supporter.
If you catch it now, start talking, get counseling….. you might have a pretty good chance to save it. If you ignore these signs it’s on the sign #3 and you are ½ way to the point of no return. In the next steps you will see that she’s accepting the fact that it’s most likely over. The pain of that acceptance is subtly subsiding and she will start to envision a life without you in it.
Sign #3 – Changes in friends or family – Several new friends you don’t know; Events you are not invited to; Separate vacations or mini-trips; Friends and family act differently toward you; No longer wants to hang out with your coupled friends or when you do hang with other couples you end the evening fighting….”Why can’t you be more like Bob” or “Well at least they seem happy”.
“My wife/girlfriend has been going to Palm Springs with her college roommates a lot. She says it’s just friends and she just needs her alone time. Should I be worried?”
Dear Are you serious?,
YES YOU SHOULD WORRY! She reaching back to her past to find her mojo again. She is renewing old friendships and trying to forge new friendships that don’t include you. Why would she excluded you? Because she’s trying to build a life without you in it.
Unless it’s some kind of wife/girlfriend get away, meaning ALL the wives/girlfriends of your couple friends are running away for the day or week-end, your relationship is on a dangerous path my friend. If she’s stopped hanging out with your couple friends and wants to start hanging out with single friends you don’t even know she’s all but decided it’s over. She’s going to need allies to help her get through this. She’s may even be thinking about a new boyfriend. Are you just gong to sit there and let that happen?
Since the dawn of the Internet, 50 ways to leave your lover is just a click away. Classmates.com has got to be the #1 choice for women who are considering leaving their husband/boyfriend. She thinks, “I mean come on, it’s harmless right? I mean it’s not like it’s a dating site or anything. Just old friends. Most are married anyway. It’s not like I’m cheating or anything.” From there comes the Class reunion. If you love your wife/girlfriend you should always make the time to go to the class reunions/weddings/anniversary parties and group vacations with her. These types of events are hot beds for the wanna be single woman. What if she runs into her old sweetheart? What if that nerd turned out to be really cute and rich and single? What if her old friends are all now divorced and like to “party”?. What if her old friends have better lives than hers?
Reconnecting with old friends may be the 3rd step as she plots her get-away, but it is the 1st step toward infidelity. Actually all sudden changes in friends or family activity is reason to worry.
“My girlfriend/wife go out to dinner with about 5 of our couple friends once a month. It’s usually something my wife/girlfriend looks forward to. We get all dressed up. Have a nice dinner, usually there’s dancing. The ladies all have a chance to have girl talk and the guys… we’ll we talk about sports usually. But last month she didn’t even want to go and this month we fought all the way home. “Well at least Sam and Kathy seem happy.” “She told me they still have sex at least 3 times a week, and last week they did it in the kitchen after the kids were in bed. Why don’t we every do anything like that anymore.” It was down hill from there. Seems I don’t do anything right anymore.”
My suggestion…. try to open the dialog. Invite her mother or sister or best friend to lunch. Open your heart and tell them you since a change. See if you can find out what’s really happening. If they are tight lipped and refuse to break confidence. “I really shouldn’t say”, “You really need to talk to her about this”, “I don’t want to get involved”. Go home, find your wife/girlfriend and pull an all-niter if you have to. She maybe beyond the point of no return and you may regret you brought it up. But the truth must come out. She’s got one foot out the door and you have nothing to lose by trying.
Gathering the allies is common when women are plotting their escape. By now she’s gotten over the lose of love; tried everything; imagined a life with out you; developed a new circle of friends; no longer wants to hang out with you; doesn’t talk or confide in you and she’s gathered her allies.
At the risk of a metaphor melt down….
“Your best defense is a well played offense”
“You’ve got to intercept the ball”
“Fight until the cows come home”
“Take no prisoners”
“Gather your allies”
“Infiltrate the enemy camp”
“Send in the dogs”
Now that should be clear enough for any man to understand.
Things are urgent!
If you love her and want to save the relationship you must force yourself into the conversations; Insist that she tell you what’s wrong; Get someone in her inner circle to talk to you; Get help; Ask for advice; and most important tell her you love her. Tell her you fell the change. Tell her you don’t want to loose her. You’ve got to be the “White Knight” here because she’s given up remember. She likely gave up in step #2.
Sign #4 – Suddenly or overly focused on career -Lots of overtime; Lots of company events; Last minute business trips
“It all started when my girlfriend/wife got a really good raise. She was making almost as much as me. I was happy for her and proud of her, but we hardly ever see each other anymore. Eventually she dumbed me for this guy at work. She said we had just drifted apart.”
Dear Hungryman frozen dinner again,
There is nothing wrong with an ambitious woman. Most of the women I know are extremely ambitious career minded type. But a woman will always find time for the man she loves. In fact, women actually need that balance of work and play to be successful. No matter how strong we may be in the courtroom, boardroom or operating room we need our man in the bedroom. Even if she is climbing the corporate ladder, a women in love makes time for her man.
Or she could be spending all her time at work to get away from you. Ever think of that?
The world for women is very different today than the world I knew as a young women. You see I came of age in the Jane Fonda, womens rights, equal pay for equal work era. I can remember the days when a company could require their female employees to wear dresses or skits. Actual dress code that said no pants for women. In those days women were nurses or teachers or mothers and wives. You know “female jobs”. But thanks to women like Jane Fonda, Sarah Jessica Parker, Gloria Steinem, as well as a long list of 60’s-70’s crusaders, today women can and do go after any career the choose. Today we truly can have it all.
Most women will tell you that the last few decades of womens rights has had some drawbacks when it comes to their love life. Most of the women I know still want to be treated like a women when it comes to their lover. The stronger the woman…. the stronger the man must be.
If your girlfriend/wife is climbing the corporate ladder lots of overtime maybe real. But she will still need you. If she loves you, she will find ways to be with you. She will need a safe place to relax, be soft, vulnerable, feminine and sexy. If that’s not happening something is wrong.
She maybe overly focused on her career to get away from an unhappy love life. Her relationship is not working out. Her friends and family don’t have any answers. She’s tried everything. So she decides to focus on career and making as much money she can as fast as she can. She wants to feel independent. She needs to be sure she can stand on her own two feet.
I bet you can guess what happens next. She’s spending all this time at work. There are lots of late nights at the office. Maybe some of the girls invite her for a after work cocktail… “what the hell”, she thinks, “No harm.” But all of a sudden the guys from the office show up too. One drink becomes three and before your know it, your girlfriend/wife is involved in a inter-office romance. Now company events don’t include spouses or boyfriends and she’s got a week-end conference in San Diego.
Watch out for the week-end business trip…think about it, he’s there… your not. She’s unhappy at home. You are boring and you don’t listen. You’ve been disconnected for a while now. She’s not feeling loved or support. Now add to that the fact that they are in another city. “No way he’ll find out” and just like that……….
she’s having an affair.
I’m just saying, her career should not get in the way of your love life. If it dose, there is more to her career than meets the eye.
Sign #5 – She wants more privacy, alone time – Gets very private about her phone/computer/all technology; Leaves the room to have phone conversations privately or stops talking when you come in the room; Doesn’t confide in you or discuss her problems with you; Vague about where she’s going or where she’s been; She avoids time alone with you
“My wife/girlfriend talked to her sisters everyday. She has for as long as I’ve know her. They are a very close family. That’s one of the things I love most about her is her family. Usually when her sister’s call and I answer the phone, they talk with me for a bit before asking or Carol. We just chat a bit, share a giggle, before passing off the call. No big deal. And she always took the call in front of me. I’d be involved in the conversations as she’d tell me everything he said/she said. But in the end, it was different. Carol rushed to the phone more often. If I did happen to answer, they’d ask for Carol right away. If I tried to engage them they’d be short, polite but no real dialog. When Carol took the phone she’d either leave the room, talk softly, lots of yes and no answers or “can I call you back”. It was very strange.”
Dear 5th Wheel,
They ignored you because they knew something you didn’t. You were no longer part of their inner circle. You had become an outsider. She was telling them her side of the story, private things about your relationship and they’d already taken sides.
“One time all I did was offer to come help her with the grocery shopping. She usually insisted that I help with that chore. But one Saturday she got all upset and told me to just go golfing or something… “that’s what I really wanted to do anyway” she barked. So I went! Screw her, I offered.”
Dear Blind as a bat,
What you should have done was get in your car and follow her ass around town as she purchased new undies, checked out apartments and met her new lover for lunch.
As we’ve already discussed what it means when she starts leaving the room for private conversations, not confiding in you or sharing even simple details of her life with you is a clear sign she’s detached her heart.
Not wanting to share her life with you is a clear sign she’s already starting a new life. A life without you. A life with her new friends, her new job, her new interests and her new boyfriend that “gets her”. She’s tested the waters so to speak and the water is warm. She likes it. She’s not ready to leave, but she likes it.
At this point she will become very cleaver about concealing her new life so as not to alarm you and tip her hand before she is ready. She will become almost militant about her privacy. She will guard her phone, computer and all technology from your prying eyes. She may change her passwords or open new email accounts that she will only access from work.
She will also start spending a lot more time away from you. You may hear things like, “I’ll be running little errands all day” yet if you ask where she’s heading or if you can help with the errands she gets mad or insist, “No I got it!”. You maybe thinking…. “cool, great time to watch sports all day or play that round of golf”. Yet at the end of the day, she won’t tell you what she did or what she bought or who she saw.
You’ll hear phrases like “mind your own business”, “why are you asking”, “ don’t you trust me”, “can’t I just want a day to myself, now and then”. Ya right…. she’s either cheating or getting pretty dame close to cheating. She may not be physically gone, but she’s mentally gone. She’s living another life and your not in it.
Sign #6 – Changes in appearance or hygiene or wardrobe – Things like joining a gym and going religiously; Sexy new outfits for work; Sexy new underwear; Changes in hygiene, like new hair cuts, tanning, manicures, pedicures and changes in pubic hair (duh) lol. That is if she normally didn’t do all that stuff.
Warning: Probability of infidelity almost certain.
“One day I walk-in on my girlfriend/wife getting out of the shower. She grabbed her robe, turned her back and said “Hello! Can’t you knock?”. I did get a glimpse of her freshly shaved privates. What’s up with that? I think she’s was having an affair. What should I have done?”
Dear I hate to say I told you so,
What should you have done? Truth is, you are likely right. If she’s hiding here body from you, it’s most likely because she felt she was cheating on “HIM”. By now you should be putting the puzzle together. She’s not depressed anymore. Has a great new career, lots of friends, an exciting life that you know little about and now she shaving her “parts”. Dude I don’t think there is much you could have done.
Unfortunately once a girlfriend/wife goes all the way with a new man, it is likely she completely lost that loving feeling for you. Your only hope…. get it back. Pull out all the stops sexually. Tell her how sexy she looks. If she’ll let you, kiss her passionately. (That’s a big IF)Plan a romantic surprise dinner for two. The surprise is key, because if she knows what you are planning she will likely avoid it like the plague.
Next, before your evening of romance begins take a long look in the mirror. Get a hair cut and a shave, maybe give your “privates” a trim, buy a new shirt or some sexy briefs. Get ready to be her lover again. You’ve got to bring back the magic. Now go home, light the candles, open the wine, put on some soft music and do your thing. This may be your only hope of getting her back.
And for god sakes…. make sure she orgasms… I can’t stress this enough.
The morning after… do it again. Hold her hand. Flirt with her while helping with dinner. Say sweet things..suggestive things. When she comes home from long day, greet her with a kiss and a hard-on. You’ve got to light that fire. Get the sex back and you just might get the romantic love.
Sign #7 – Doesn’t want to make long term plans -Doesn’t want to spend any large sums of money; Feels guilty if you buy her something expensive
“I have a time share in Aspen and my 2 weeks were coming up in 2 months. We’d been dating for about 3 months so I asked Susan if she’d like to join me. She said she wasn’t sure about the timing and she’d get back to me. She dumped me 1 week later.”
“My wife and I had been drifting apart for a few months so for Christmas I presented her with 1st class plane tickets to Rome. She was furious I spent the money without even consulting her. She said it was to much money and she didn’t even think she could get off work then. I thought she’d be thrilled. It was a huge fight. She made me cancel the trip and we haven’t discussed it since.”
Dear Count your pennies,
She’s made her decision. Why waist any more time or money on you. She’s gonna need every penny very soon.
If I were you, I’d be thankful she felt guilty enough to end it before rather than after you took her on an expensive vacation. You just save your self a lot of time, money and most important, heartbreak.
Sign #8 – Changes in sex -Stops getting naked in front of you; Separate bedrooms; Doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Lot’s of excuses; When you do have sex, it’s purely physical. There is very little or no emotion; She’s not having orgasms or she fakes “it”.
“I couldn’t event get close to here anymore. She pushed me away when I tried to kiss her. She started sleeping with the kids or on the couch. I can’t remember the last time I saw her naked. I tried to bring it up once and to my surprise, she “serviced me” with about as much emotion as a hooker. When I was done, she got up, said “happy now” and took a shower. That was the last time.
Dear To little to late,
Many men miss or ignore all the signs until now. Once she cuts you off completely, (sexually speaking), all of a sudden you start getting motivated. Only problem is, now it’s to late. She’s likely having an affair and she likes him. She feels as if being with you is cheating on him. She’s only doing her “wifely duty”. This is bad…. very, very bad.
It’s ashame that most men do not take action before it’s too late. My best advise is to confront the problem. Get her to admit she what’s out. It may hurt, and you may not be ready, but what comes next may not only break your heart, but break your bank account as well. Be grateful she turned down the vacation or expensive gifts. Be grateful she’s feeling a little guilty. Count your blessings and most important…..
Cover your assets!
Sign #9 – Changes with money – Separate bank acct./charge cards; Wants to go back to work so “she has her own money”; She empties the Home Equity Line of credit (OMG); racks up every cash advance charge card she can get her hands on.
“She took care of all the bills. It wasn’t until after she left I got the mail and realized she’d been taking $5000. a month from our home equity line of credit for the last 6 months.”
Dear About to be single,
Setting herself up financially is the final stage of planning to leave you. She’s done plotting, made up her mind, prepared yourself mentally, physically and now financially. Once she get the money thing handled there will be little chance to stop her.
You should have been watching the money too.
I have heard absolute horror stories from men who were hit like a dear in the head lights when they finally realize she’s gone and she took her stuff, ½ of his stuff and most, if not all, of the available cash.
If she is your wife and has legal access to your assets, there is a strong bet she’s already consulted with an attorney and knows what to do and how to do it.
Sign #10 – The Obvious – She starts flirting with other men in front of you or in front of your friends; She starts removing the things she normally keeps at your place; You find a divorce Attorney’s card in her purse, lol; She admits to having an affair, she tells you she’s leaving you for another man.
“I had no idea she was so unhappy until one morning I woke up late on a Saturday and went to get a cup of coffee………….and the f@cking coffee pot was gone. I looked around the room and noticed all kinds of stuff was gone. She was gone!” (crowd laughter)It wasn’t so funny at the time.” (crowd sighs)
Dear welcome to single life,
She’s gone! Getting her back now….. slim to none!
Tip: You might as well not waste to much time and energy getting her back now. Once a women ends it… she rarely goes back. Once she’s fallen out of romantic love with you, it’s almost impossible for her to ever let herself feel that way for you again. She trusted you with her heart once, she tried everything, you just ignored all the signs and look how it ended. I know several men that spend years getting over the loss of an X. They seem to suffer from that “deer in the head lights, affect for years. Some never fully recover. All the while hoping and believing he can win her back. That somehow, someway he can win her heart again.
After reading this chapter I hope you will begin to understand that by the time she dumps your ass she’s been thinking and planning and preparing for years. Unfortunately, you are just now getting started. You have to go through all the steps too. My best advice is to get back in the game as soon as possible and try not to make the same mistakes twice.
What to take with your from this chapter:
- Most women plot their escape for 1 to 5 years
- Fighting can be a good sign, when the fighting stops it’s time to worry.
- Time is of the up most importance
- Ignore the signs…..lose the girlfriend/wife….never get her back
- Dating is hard, being single is not all it’s cracked to be. There are more users, abusers, gold diggers and game players out there than good women. If you have a good women in your life, count your blessings every day and don’t take her for granted.
I think Singer: Carole King said it best on her Tapestry album.
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There’s something wrong here
There can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we’ve just stopped trying
And it’s too late baby, now it’s too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can’t hide
And I just can’t fake it
It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy
And I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy
And I feel like a fool
And it’s too late baby, now it’s too late
There’ll be good times again for me and you
But we just can’t stay together
Don’t you feel it too
Still I’m glad for what we had
And how I once loved you
But it’s too late baby, now it’s too late
Don’t you know that I…
I just can’t fake it
Oh it’s too late my baby
Too late my baby
It’s too late my baby